* * * * * * Late-Breaking * * * N E W S F L A S H ! * * * * * * *

In a strange turn of events this morning, the United States Marine Corps, Colonel William R. "Rusty" Jones (USMC Retired), many local friends and family… as well as a stunned America discovered what, up until now has only been joked about - - the existence of Evil Twins! Once, merely the province of folklore and euphemism, the concept of an "evil twin" has traditionally been used as an excuse…

Our news agency was thus contacted by the "other Jones", demanding that he have his "say" in the matter! It seems that the "Evil Colonel" has had "simply enough" of that "do-gooder" and wanted the chance to air a little dirty laundry. It seems, furthermore, that the "Evil Colonel" possibly has a few insights into what really makes a Marine tick, as it were. Here, we take a closer look at a situation that seem befitting of an episode of the X-Files… but folks, you'd better pay attention - because pictures don't lie… and this is one that's worth at least a few words!

EVIL: That's 'COLONEL Evil' to you! I didn't spend four years in the U.S. Neeevil Academy just to be called "mister", thank you very much! Of course, what I have to say may not seem important on the surface, but one must look at the inherent 'underbelly of the beast', as it were, to see the global significance, ya know man.

SRN: Very well then, Colonel Evil, we understand that you have written somewhat of a "manifesto" in regards not only to your brother Rusty, but the state of the world, American Foreign AND Domestic Policy, the United States Marine Corp, and something you refer to as, and I quote you here sir "A Week That Takes A Lifetime", end quote.

EVIL: That's correct Senator… and you'll print every word of it, by-God, or I'll con the night-clerk into giving me your room key and then we'll see who has the last laugh! Hah! - you press goons . . . the "press" in "press" comes from O-press, man . . . freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose, man . . . give'n love was easy baby when Bobby sang the blues, ya know . . .

SRN: Excuse me Colonel . . . I mean, I guess I don't understand - my "room key"? I don't know . . .

EVIL: Yeeah! Boooyyeeee you will be enjoyin' those clickets, there fella, come 4 a.m. when they really get revved up! Just ask "the Fox" - he'll tell ya!

* Editor's Note: Our crack research staff went right to work trying to determine what sort of foreign agent, Pentagon spook, or just downright weirdo Colonel Evil was referring to as "The Fox". Unfortunately, the only thing even remotely connected with the name "The Fox" was a bizarre and somewhat obscure reference to a tradition wherein a group of young men chase a single, scantily clothed (short) male across the campus of a small Midwestern college campus each June.

SRN: Colonel, you said something earlier about your brother being a "goody-two-shoes". I guess my first question is, why do you say that . . . and the follow up to that would be: How is it possible that you and your "twin" have managed all these years without others knowing you both exist?

EVIL: I guess the answer to both those questions would be this . . .

. . . at which point Col. Evil stood and dropped his pants, revealing two tattoos - one on each "cheek". Each of the tattoos resembled a fist, with the letters K-E-T-H engraved on each of the four forward knuckles of one hand and the letters M-A-I-B engraved on the counterparts of the other hand.

Just as our interviewer was asking what "KETH" stood for, several men in dark suits and mirrored sunglasses entered our studio and briskly pulled Col. Evil aside. One of the men quickly stepped forward and spoke briefly with our reporters. Identifying himself as Robert Britton, the man claimed to represent "The Colonel" and that The Colonel would have nothing more to say at this "juncture".

As a follow up to this stunning, yet mysterious interview, our reporters attempted to get comments from the White House, the Pentagon, and even members of the Jones family - but there seemed to be an attempt on someone's part to put a lid on all of this. We got no takers, save one - an obsequious gentleman named Barney, proprietor of an old and venerable place of business in Warrensburg, Missouri. Although Barney's establishment was closed last year under suspicious circumstances, he was willing to say a few words about Col. Jones - whom he claims to have known for years.

That's the last we got out of Barney before the nurse told us that visiting hours were over.

We WILL keep you apprised of any new leads we get in this mysterious case, but for now - that's all the new that's unFIT to print!